What's the reason to cause you been so obsessive about your appearance ? ahhh i thought most people they care about their appearance pretty much as i did, i admitted i might go a little extreme sometime, such as went to beauty clinic every time when i back to Taiwan, doing some sort of "Self Care". I think what i been doing is normal, nothing need to feel shame of it, and yes, sometimes i questioning myself too, why on earth i have to try so hard to stop getting wrinkles, so afraid of getting bald and constantly check out how many hairs been lost after shower? or ran so hard every day morning, and restrict my diet only twice a day to maintain a certain number of weights? mmmm....🤨
To answer this obsession about beauty, i could possibly come up with an answer which is i am still not successful enough to become ugly. How do i define success to myself? you asked. Well... to establish myself been so called an artist, so far i have not had any decent exhibition, there was a dream i had long times ago, in this particular dream, i saw myself wearing a white shirt and a pair of blue jeans, looks very charming and handsome standing in a gallery where i have a solo exhibition, and it a opening party i suppose, i holding a glass of wine welcoming those visitors, friend came to my show. People came to me saying how they been inspired from my works etc, and i managed to make some new friends who share the common interests as well. So! Did i sell any painting in this dream? mmm not remember this much details, all i knew was everyone so happy, i am so enjoy the atmosphere, because i knew people came to see me, they all love me, which make me feel love, lot lot of loves.
A scene of belonging is what i looking for, you said. Oh... so i get back to the very fundamental problem which i tried to ignoring so many years, because i do not know how to do it, where to start, and i don't feel confident enough to engage a world where if i am welcome at all. let's begin with something small, put yourself to some where i can meet new people, very simple, you said. Or try to contact some community i might interested to participate such as art associated group in my city, or some LGBTQ community where i can found new friends, sign up a class to learn something which i like, there is lot of options. Oh my god, to be honestly, its already make me so exhausted by just thinking of it, i am not even start searching yet.....ok... now i remember why i started to focus my life on Instagram, it easier, convenient, but it also not real enough to satisfied what i been missing from the real world around me.
Anyway, my goal of exploring new thing this week kinda fail, i didn't managed to explore much stuff, mostly sitting front my computer editing this blog, although i did spent some hours researching galleries in the Netherlands, and remind me how much i don't like this arty farty gallery business. It might sound very cynical, but art business through gallery is mostly for global known artist and extremely rich people. I don't think my audience would show up there, nor my down on earth works.
Conclusion: I will continuing obsessive about how to maintain my youth appearance, because i still can't quit figure out how to define my successful life/career. Its sound very shallow i know, but at least i not pretend to be deep.